Letting Go Of The Reins

Sometimes in life you have to resign. Sometimes you have to submit. Sometimes you have to let go.

This is how I have felt recently. I have had to come to terms with a lot of things in my life and realize that I cannot control everything. With my horses, it feels so easy and comfortable to fall into a leadership role. With other people, it's not always so easy. I can't say I want to control people, but I can say that I always strive for the ideal situation, which sometimes involves taking control in a relationship.

I feel absolute freedom on horseback. I can forget about the pain, the stress, the heartache, the fear. I can forget about the anger, the resentment, and the guilt. When I am on my horse, careening through the field or floating around the arena, I can forget about my past. I can let go of my apprehension. I can come to terms with my past, even just for a moment.

One small movement from blissful life and the pain of the hard earth. One wrong move away from falling, one right move away from ecstasy. Feeling the short, heavy breaths of my partner in his strides. Longer and faster and with more energy with each passing second. Every stride is one stride away from reality. So unreal, but at the same time, the most real thing that I have ever felt.

Flying towards the treeline at surface street speeds. The wind will pummel my face. My legs will burn with exertion. My lungs will ache. I can feel the slight rush of fear. Fear of losing control. Traveling so fast, all of that is left behind. I can only feel the freedom. I release my reins and tangle my fingers in soft, dark mane. The feeling I have worked so hard to attain, the feeling that seems so elusive and so available at the same time, consumes my body and my mind.

Trust.

Sometimes you just have to let go.